Most athletes never even consider writing a book. Sure, some of them will release a memoir or an autobiography, but only after their career is over and nobody actually cares. Very few of them actually sit down and try to tell their story. Given this fact, if we want to know what an athlete’s story might look like, we have to use our imaginations. Since most of us can’t just rip entire books out of our imagination, we decided it would be fun to just imagine what already famous books might look like, with the touch of an athlete’s brush. Check out these sportsbooks re-imaginings, and try not to get offended. Everything below is one hundred percent imagined.
New Moves – by Mike Tyson
As by Mike Tyson
Literature’s most beautiful monster is back again. Fighting for his love, his family and, above all, his dignity, Iron Mike knows that he mustn’t succumb to his lesser instincts. But when the scent of blood comes calling, will he have what it takes to say no? Or will he be lost forever to shame of his most animals impulses? Plus, lots more rock-solid, glistening bodies. We know how much you guys love that.
The Real Story (June, 1997)
Marley and Me – by Michael Vick
As by Michael Vick
This year’s greatest action hero has everything he needs. He’s got guts, he’s got power, he’s got anger, and he’s got…a cute fuzzy face? Join Marley, the meanest special agent to ever fake his way through the CIA training camp, on his hunt to find the man that made him. Will Marley catch his tormentor? Will he finally be able to exact his revenge, or will absolution slip through his fingers one more time? Only time will tell.
The Real Story (April, 2007)
Rape: A Love Story – by Kobe Bryant
As by Kobe Bryant
“Rape: A Love Story” is Kobe Bryant’s touching remembrance of one lost night in the summer of 2003. The music was loud, the drinks were ever-flowing, and the shorties were making sexy all over the dance floor. It was a grand night for some “love.” Lose yourself in the feel good romance of the year, and find out why Kobe was so sure she’d wanted it too.
The Real Story (July, 2003)
Running With Scissors – by Plaxico Burress
As by Plaxico Burress
In today’s world of drugs, terrorism, violence, and poverty, parenting is more important than ever before. Without a fundamental understanding of the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, safe and dangerous, a child could grow up to do any number of stupid and/or dangerous things. Plaxico Burress wanted parents to understand this. He wanted parents to really understand the paths to consequences. After all, it may start as running with scissors, but it ends with admitting that you shot yourself.
The Real Story (November, 2008)
Going Rogue – by O.J. Simpson
As by O.J. Simpson
O.J. Simpson’s “Going Rogue” offers a terrifying glimpse into a simple, deviant mind with great political ambitions. Sick and tired of the “elitists” in the government, Simpson has outlined what he calls a simple but effective solution: “break outta this joint, find those sons of bitches, murder them with a six dollar extension cord, then smoke some victory crack.” The plan is, essentially, to “go rogue.” Along with cutting taxes, stopping emigration, and repealing gun control laws, this is Simpson’s basic plan for dealing with everything from Islamist extremism to illegal Japanese whaling. It may not work every time, but at least he’s not some clueless redneck cheerleader, right?
The Ten Biggest Mistakes That Can Leave Your Life Smoldering Like a Smashed-Up Escalade – by Tiger Woods
As by Tiger Woods
In his first ever self-help book, Tiger Woods offers us a look at his own personal strategy for complete public humiliation. “It’s not enough these days to simply have an affair,” Woods tells us. “These days you need to shoot for the stars. Porn stars. And lots of ‘em.” While most of the book is centered on the most effective ways to woo cocktail waitresses, plenty of useful information is available to the non-philanderer as well. For instance “Remember, if you ever find yourself in trouble with the wife, just run your escalade into everything you can reach. That’ll help.” It’s really no wonder we respect the Tiger so much.
The Real Story (December, 2009)
The Audacity of Dope – by Barry Bonds
As by Barry Bonds
“The Audacity of Dope” by Barry Bonds is revealing in the way that only an autobiography can be. Think that Bonds shot up dope because he wanted the fame? Do you think it was about the money? Or do you think he was just tired of being constantly outclassed by better athletes? Surely that could cause even the most noble among us to cheat, shoot dope, and lie about it under oath. However, as Bonds himself finally makes clear, “It wasn’t the money or the status. I was just regrettably unaware of how small this shit would make my balls.” Catch all of the shocking secrets inside!
The Real Story (90′s-00′s)