The Five Realest Sports Betting Tips

    One problem with problem gamblers is that people don’t tell them, early enough or often enough, that it’s not acceptable to be a sports betting fiend.

    In hopes of reaching that person, who hasn’t completely tanked their entire life but is currently thinking about it, we offer the following real deal sports betting tips:

    1. Don’t Borrow Money from Friends to Gamble

    We are sure that you have a bright future ahead of you as a hedge fund manager. But this does not mean that your sports picks are correct.

    When you are missing numerous picks, especially if a few of these are considered by you “bet beats,” well then this is the perfect time to borrow money from a friend so you can win some bets tomorrow.

    Oh yeah? You think so, huh? That’s a good plan, right?

    You’re an idiot if you borrow money from friends so you can bet on sports games. You’re literally a complete moron.

    2. Skip Whole Weeks at a Time

    When you’re betting on sports and winning some money, or even if you are more or less holding steady, it’s your hard-earned right to lay money on games. It’s just the facts of life that if you prefer to entertain yourself by betting on sports game, that is great. Some people eat out three times a week, spending a hundred dollars each time.

    You like sports betting. Right on. Us too.

    The problem for problem gamblers comes when you start thinking about gambling as if it bears any relationship to a job, in that it will produce an assured income. Betting on sports is not a job, and is in fact the diametrical opposite of a job: fun, sure, but no guaranteed paycheck.

    When you get cold, when you are losing money consistently, consider skipping not a day, not a few days, but a few weeks. You may find that you are refreshed for your next round of picks. You may also find that your entire life isn’t in ruins, which is always good.

    3. Don’t Combine Drugs and/or Alcohol with Sports Betting

    Naturally we don’t suggest that combining drugs and/or alcohol with sports betting is something wrong in and of itself, for surely it can be glorious, but as a regular policy, using an intoxicating substance while placing sports wagers can be quite perilous to your pocketbook and/or sanity.

    Yes, you will think you are “Jesus Shuttleworth” because Ray Allen just hit that meaningless 3-pointer at the buzzer to help you cover Boston -9.

    But you are not Jesus Shuttleworth. You only were for that one second, while you were high as a bird and/or drunk out of your gourd.

    Then suddenly you were not Jesus. You are, instead, losing your home to foreclosure.

    4. Have a Life Outside of Sports Betting

    Let’s say for example that you are a male sports bettor.  If you are living in your parents’ and/or uncle’s basement “covering utilities usually,” haven’t smelled a vagina since 1997, and take showers only when you have to, but you just always, always, always have a roster of sports bets ready for action, you just can’t wait for Tuesday/Wednesday, that is gonna be a great time—

    You are a loser. Get off the computer, get off the online casino, stop trying to analyze Clemson vs. University of Miami and you can’t wait till that game is shown on ESPN 6.

    Get a job, get a woman, get a clue.

    And for God’s sake, get a shower.

    5. Don’t Get in the Habit of Tanking Your Entire Account within 15 Minutes or Less

    Similar to using drugs and/or alcohol while betting in sports, there is nothing inherently wrong with tanking your account within 15 minutes or less and in fact nature dictates that this will happen.

    Once you make that deposit, you can and should start making those picks. Sometimes those picks gunna be wrong, and sometimes most all of them will be wrong, the strange thing is that your parlays, they actually turned into “Reverse Parlays” in the sense that you bet a 4 team parlay and you got every single pick wrong. And so on and so forth.

    It’s called tanking and we all do it.

    However, and also similar to the imbibing issue, you simple CANNOT and SHOULD NOT get in the habit—and a habit is what it is—of tanking your entire account within 15 minutes or less.

    Because what’s going to happen then, if you flame out so quickly?

    You’re going to reload.

    You’re going to go reload bonus hunting, so you can try to justify your tank job by telling yourself you’re “making a little bit back” on the bonus from the new deposit. That’s foolishness, sir, sheer foolishness!

    If you’re going to make a deposit into a sports betting account, take your sports knowledge and frankly take your money seriously enough to not tank your account within 15 minutes or less. It’s just common courtesy, to yourself, to give yourself a chance.

    Once you take a certain amount of short-duration tank jobs to the dome, once you’re accustomed to tanking your account with complete immediacy, you’ll become like a boxer who’s taken too many punches: your brain will never be the same and that is not meant as a compliment.

    OK, so that concludes our discussion of the Five Realest Sports Betting Tips You’ll Ever Hear. Yes these tidbits of real knowledge may be offensive to some people, but so is being a degenerate gambler. Truth, no?

    If anyone you know is starting to develop a gambling problem, and needs a couple swift kicks to the head to make him or her think about REALITY, feel free to forward this article.

    Most importantly, if you or somebody you know is developing a gambling problem, please visit one of the three links shown at the bottom of every page on this website: the National Council on Problem Gambling, the National Center for Responsible Gaming, or Gambler’s Anonymous.